A Merry Belated Krampusnacht to One and All!

A Merry Belated Krampusnacht to One and All!

I was super bummed when I realized yesterday that I missed Krampusnacht this year. Now I feel like I have to pour one out for my homie, Krampus, because I didn’t get to party with him on December 5th. BOO.

For those of you who don’t know who Krampus is, he’s a fun-loving bitch who likes to do festive things around the holidays like stomp on ornaments with his one cloven hoof and stuff badly-behaved children into a burlap sack. (As an aside, I’m pretty sure this is also exactly how Swiss people sexually role play during the winter.)

The origin of Mr. Krampus dates all the way back to Pre-Christian Germanic tradition. In fact, up until relatively recently, he was still considered by those living in the Alps to be the ‘yin’ to Santa’s ‘yang.’ So what does that mean, exactly? Well, basically, where Santa’s purpose in life is to do lame shit like ‘spread joy’ and ‘give kind, thoughtful gifts to children and old people,’ the Krampus lives to get trashed, make kids cry and scare the living daylights out of anyone who sees his devil-ass-looking face. Apparently, he’s also kind of a lech, and he particularly loves the company of zaftig ladies. I’m positive that he and I would get along like a house on fire – specifically, a house that’s on fire because he’s torched it for a laugh.

So hey, even though I may have missed Krampusnacht this year, that doesn’t mean I can’t still drink a few glasses of whiskey one night and trip a pitchy caroller in honor of Krampus, the O.G. (Original Grinch). Let the belated wild Krampus begin!

The Creepiest Sweater Ever?

The Creepiest Sweater Ever?

This is an actual sweater for sale in a store. I don’t really know what the creature woven into the front of it is supposed to be. It looks like a bunch of different weird things, including a flasher, a cockroach, and a cockroach flasher. My boyfriend thinks it looks like an omen in a scary Japanese movie that would pop out from behind trees and shit to remind you of your mortality. Whatever it is, its red eyes and the fact that it looks like it’s fleeing from a predator seriously give me the heebie-jeebies.

The Third Face of Fangs: STICKER BLITZ 3

The Third Face of Fangs: STICKER BLITZ 3

These are getting slapped up all over the West Village tomorrow night. The QR code is so tiny it makes me want to die of squee. Of course, I’m having a little bit of anxiety about the likelihood that a murderer/stalker will see my DIY publicity and make me his next target, but hey – any press is good press, right? (Please GOD don’t let this be the blog post they quote when my body turns up in a gutter somewhere.)

Make Him Addicted to You

Make Him Addicted to You9 Magic Words You Must Say to Make Him Fall Deeply in Love? Well, ok:

A) “I have daddy issues; resultantly, I’m a sexual deviant.”
B) “Watching you watch sports totally turns me on, babe.”
C) “Nothing relaxes me more than making you a sandwich.”
D) “You should never be forced to wear real pants.”
E) “I get bored when it lasts too long, anyway.”

Since this is a Christian website, though, let’s go with:

F) “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, darling.”

Daily Aggravation 24: A Bad Case of Troll Foot

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For Valentine’s Day this year, my lovely boyfriend bought me the most beautiful gift from a place called Xocolatti in SoHo. It was a glass apothecary vial filled with golden flakes that tasted like a butter cookie; truly divine, like something a fairy would eat when she got the munchies. I decided to take a photograph of the gift to send to my sister, so I carefully set the vial down on the windowsill of my hotel room (hell yeah, we were staying in a hotel that night) and snapped the shot. Mission accomplished.

My heart fell a few days later when I took another look at the photograph. Hiding out in the lower right corner of the picture is a foot that looks like it belongs to a creature that lives under a bridge and makes you answer a riddle before you can cross. It is the foot of a troll, and it is MINE. Unless I’ve actually begun to transform into Golem, I’m pretty sure that I should still have human feet…so what the hell? Total bummer.

Pork and a Bloody Mary: No one’s favorite meal

Pork and a Bloody Mary: No one's favorite meal

I find it both strange and slightly off-putting that this Dublin restaurant was so unwilling to shell out the money for more words on their advertisement that they’ve printed up hundreds of cards that only say “Pork” and “Bloody Mary.” If that’s the sum total of what they’re offering, then I’m only going if they change the name of the place to Pork ‘n’ Mary.