Woah…you have SERIOUS hair. Like, a hairline that starts roughly 3cm above your eyebrows! “My self-summary: I don’t like putting up info about myself online (in case the terrorists use it to blackmail me and my friends) but, alas, times have changed, so… you want to know about Elias? I’ll TELL ya ‘bout Elias.” Woah. “I’m the guy in the purple suit and crazy clown makeup” – spelled MAKUEUP – “I’m the prideful lion. I’m the lone wolf.” Well, you can’t be a lion AND a wolf. You have to pick one of the two. “What do people notice about me? My hair.” No kidding…your hair is positioned wrong on your head! You should probably curse God for that, the fact that you have that situation.

This is the first in a series called “Caroline Plays Mean Quickmatch.” Mean Quickmatch  is a game in which you scroll through the ‘quickmatch’ option on Okcupid.com and make nasty and superficial comments about each of the prospective suitors that appears.

Daily Aggravation 13: People who say ‘shh’ to me

Few things irk me more than being told to be quiet by a stranger. Once a man on the Jitney told me and my friend to ‘quiet down’ because we were on the ‘quiet bus.’ He then proceeded to knock back four shots of vodka in ten minutes and pass out with his shirt unbuttoned and beer gut on display. Hey dude: it’s called the ‘quiet bus,’ not the ‘thinly-veiled alcoholic’s mobile nudist retreat.’

Daily Aggravations 1: Table Monopolizers

As a neurotic Jew, I am annoyed by most people, places and things. I started writing a series called “Daily Aggravations” that lived on their own website, but I am going to start featuring each aggravation here from now on – so now, without further ado: daily aggravation NUMBER 1. 

Daily Aggravation 1: Table Monopolizers

To the semi-bald lady in Blade-style sunglasses who monopolizes the same table at Starbucks for eight hours every day and only gets a cup of water to drink: I want to punch you in the mouthpiece, for real. And then maybe flip a table for dramatic effect.

In which Caroline diagnoses a nut on OkCupid by doing a textual analysis of his profile.

I just stumbled upon an OkCupid profile that consists of one photograph of a male torso, taken with an iPhone, and this self-summary:

Every rumor begins with a grain of truth.
Behind closed and guarded doors.
Young, beautiful, free.
Like a handful of new gods.
Fantasies do come true.
Discretion is the only rule.

Whaaaaat? Here’s my analysis of this profile, line by line.

Every rumor begins with a grain of truth. I am paranoid. Additionally, the rumors you’ve heard about me being a sexual deviant are true.

Behind closed and guarded doors. Again, I’m a deviant. I also think in sentence fragments and am diagnosably mentally ill.

Young, beautiful, free. I’m in my twenties, enjoy the sight of my own nude body, and – contrary to the other rumor you’ve heard about me (which, admittedly, began with a grain of truth) – I’m not a slave. I just wear a dog collar and shackles because I look great in them.

Like a handful of new gods. Haha. Hahahaha. I’m not even going to touch this line…it’s too good already.

Fantasies do come true. Except for my ultimate fantasy, in which I am capable of having sex with myself and do – a lot. Like, constantly.

Discretion is the only rule. I’m going to want to do some weird shit that will probably make you go home and scrub your skin compulsively with bleach in a desperate attempt to wash the shame away.  

What do we think, gang? Do I message him? I *have* always wanted to date someone who has Narcissistic personality disorder…

In which Caroline discusses Russian e-mail order brides

I recently signed up for Skype Mobile. For all three of you who haven’t heard of Skype, it’s a program you can download online that allows you to call other Skype members for free, both domestically and internationally, and Skype Mobile is an application for smartphones that allows you to use your phone to make free Skype calls. It’s pretty dope.

Aside from the whole ‘free international calling’ thing, I like Skype Mobile because it allowed me to receive the following message from a certain “dreamsy002” right to my phone at 9:22 PM:

European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place – here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can’t find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested. Beautiful Russian ladies – http://freerussianladydating.com

Royal blood and royal look (singular)? Sold. So I went to the website to find out what, exactly, “free russian lady dating” consists of.

Here are two of the girls that are listed under the ‘dating’ section of the site:

1. “Hard Candy,” a student, born September 14th, 1985. Hard Candy is 5’4” and 115 lbs and speaks ‘pre-Intermediate’ English. (NB: I would assume that ‘pre-intermediate English’ means ‘pidgin English,’  because that’s pretty much the level that comes before ‘intermediate,’ but like my father always says: when you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.)

Hard Candy writes: “I believe in destiny and in true love. I’m dreaming to find it and to be happy with my beloved man. I’m a romantic girl, sensitive and sincere. I like spending my free time on the nature communicating with friends, like to go to the cinema and theatre.
Age range 26-57.”

Yeah, okay, if ‘dreaming to find true love’ means ‘dreaming to meet a rich weirdo who likes nubile Russian girls on the internet.’ I’m curious, Hard Candy: what do you mean you spend your free time ‘on the nature communicating with friends?’ Does that mean you ride around on the back of a flea-bitten wild dog, paying social calls to your mail-order-bride pals? Or were you just tripping balls when you dictated that? Futhermore, that’s a pretty big age range you’ve got there. Trust me: you do NOT want to be marrying any 57-year-old American man who bought you on the interwebz. There’s your first piece of homegrown American wisdom, girlfriend. I hope you take it to heart.

2. Olelove, a maternity hospital nurse, born November 1st, 1987. Olelove is 5’5” and 110 lbs and also speaks “pre-intermediate” English. She writes: “I’m a calm, balanced, not-spoiled person who is waiting for a special one to open my inner world to. I collect romantic music, go dancing and to the gym, enjoy modeling as a hobby.”

Does ‘inner world’ mean ‘legs’ here? It totally means legs. In Olelove’s defense, what guy doesn’t want a non-English-speaking girlfriend who collects muzak? There’s nothing like listening to the dulcet tones of the stranger you’ve just married singing along to a Brian McKnight song in her thick Eastern European accent. Seriously, I’m not kidding. There’s nothing like it.

Do you think people actually follow through with this? The homepage of freerussianladydating.com says:

“A great many websites on the Internet are dedicated to russian women marriage. However the number of these sites only makes it more difficult to find a real Russian wife. If this is not your first experience of dating russian women online or dating online at all, then you probably know that there are plenty of scams. You may read about them and – avoid them. I know a couple of sad stories about guys who have been disillusioned in any kind of online dating. Don’t become one of them. Believe me, a lot of beautiful lonely women are really trying to find their second half on the Internet. You do have a wonderful opportunity to find your beloved and have a happy life where there will be no place for loneliness.”

This is such a depressing sell. The whole thing is depressing. I can’t even write about it anymore.

In closing: can someone please buy me a mail-order bride for my birthday? I’m getting really sick of listening to Babyface while I ride around on my swan alone.

VERY TROUBLESOME UPDATE: FREERUSSIANLADYDATING.COM HAS DISAPPEARED! I’m really upset. REALLY UPSET. I hope that doesn’t mean my order is cancelled!!!! Why did this happen? WHY?

In which Caroline tries to make sense of something awesomely weird on OkCupid.

Just now, while skimming through OkCupid profiles how I do, I happened upon a rather promising potential date: 22, male, over 6 feet tall, good taste in music/books/movies and cute AS. I was about to rate him highly in the hope that we would forge a love connection – but then I saw his gem of an answer to the standard OkCupid prompt “most private thing I’m willing to admit here”:

My ideal partner would be a woman who is into pegging.* I’ve never been attracted to guys, but I would love to be some girl’s bend-over-boyfriend.

*Pegging is a sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man’s anus with a strap-on dildo, says Wikipedia (in a grossly clinical and graphic way).

WOAH. Seriously, WOAH. Most people respond to that prompt with a funny little anecdote about their childhood or a statement like “the fact that I’m on this website.” THIS dude decided to respond by confessing to wanting to be done in the butt by a girl with a fake dick. I mean, I’m all about being candid, but DAMN.

I have so many questions for him. Did he not look at anyone else’s profile before he made his own? Has he not realized that, for the most part, the people who discuss such things on said website also have a proclivity for carrying around a filthy duffle bag filled with chloroform and sturdy rope? Or is he simply making it clear that he exclusively wants to date a girl who enjoys beat poetry, cooking farm-to-table dinners and wearing strap-ons?

It’s not the fact that he wants to be pegged that is boggling my mind. Hey, man – you do you; I’m not going to judge. His fantasy isn’t even that weird, in the scheme of things. It’s just…what if he’s never talked about this before, and then someone he knows sees him on Quickmatch (which happens ALL THE TIME) and then every time that person looks at him all they’ll be able to see is him with a ball and gag in his mouth getting pegged??? I’m so worried!!!

Then again, who am I to talk? I used that prompt as an opportunity to brag about how I built my soundproofed, cedar-lined S&M dungeon ALL BY MYSELF in ONE WEEKEND. Isn’t that impressive, though?

UPDATE: Here is YET ANOTHER “most private thing I’m willing to admit here” that talks about PEGGING!

My New Years Resolution was to be more honest, so here goes:

I am a cross dresser. It’s not that I want to be a woman, I just
really enjoy wearing womens clothing. I am also quite bi-curious
though I’ve never actually been with a man, yet. I don’t want to
list myself as bi on here, because I’m not sure I’m ready for that
stage of my life at this moment.
As things are now, I have a strong fetish for pegging (where you,
the woman would wear a strap on and I would wear a dress
and…well, I’m sure you can imagine the rest). Again, it’s not
that I want to be a woman, but gender reversal and male anatomy
highly interest me. I feel that this is something that’s very
important for a partner to know about me right from the
start.
Whew. I feel better now!! Here’s to 2010!!!

In which Caroline teaches you how to not get murdered.

Since making my foray into the world of cyber dating a few months ago, I’ve developed a few sneaky tricks that I’m confident (read: sure as hell hope) will prevent me from becoming the next ‘decomposing body found in a ditch’ that you read about on CNN.com. The most important of these tricks is the following: always ask your potential date, point-blank, if he is a serial killer. Like this: “I also love Sno-Cones and desperately want to own a pug someday – but I can barely feed myself right now, lol! What are your favorite coffee places in the city? Are you a serial killer?”

Asking this question is crucially important because doing so changes the power dynamic of your cyber relationship. Would a serial killer actually go ahead and kill you if you’d eliminated the vital element of you being surprised about being his next victim? I’ve seen Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent AND Law & Order: SVU, and the answer to this question is: of course not. Instead, he’d 100% definitely think to himself, “Oh, she’s too clever/brazen to choke to death. I’m just going to take her to see the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMA and buy her a hot dog, instead.” Right? Right!

If you played your cards right after that, you could totally become ‘that one girl that [insert serial killer’s name] managed to have a normal relationship with while he was busy beating the shit out of prostitutes every other night.’ I’ve often wondered what it would feel like to be that girl. My guess? Pretty fucking awesome. I mean, your beau would be getting all of his bad energy out by battering runaways about the face and head. He’d probably be pretty nice to you by the time he got home from his escapades.

Personally, if I suspected that anything like that was going on with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t ask questions. I’d just be like, “Ok, Xavier, it’s totally fine that you’re going out at 2:30am and wearing a balaclava- but make sure you bring me a Caramel Frappucino when you get back home and please try not to wake me up with your hysterical sobbing again tonight.”

Ok…none of that is true. I’d be scared shitless if I suspected that my boyfriend was a killer. There are, however, women for whom this concern isn’t a deterrent – and women who actively seek out murderous sociopaths and fall in love with them. WHAT is THAT about? How the hell does Richard Ramirez, LA’s notorious “Night Stalker,” have a wife and I’m still single?