If I Drop Dead, My Obituary Will Be Terrible

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge fan of true crime. I’m currently watching the premiere episode of a 6-part miniseries on ID called “The Vanishing Women.” It’s about how six women all disappeared from the same small town in Ohio between 2014 and 2015. Four have been found dead, two are still missing, and the investigation into their disappearances is still ongoing.

As is the case with many of the true crime shows I love, this first episode begins with a scene in which three family members of Tiffany Sayres, one of the murdered women, fondly reminisce about her with tears in their eyes. They talk about how hard-working she was, how kind to animals. They all agree that she was never without her purse, which always contained a bottle of soda and a spare t-shirt. And while watching this depressing, exploitative, ghoulish conversation, all I could think was, “If I were to drop dead tonight, my obituary would be terrible.” I’ve been thinking about what it would say, and so far I’ve got this:

Caroline Nierman, a native New Yorker best known for her resemblance to John Goodman in photographs, died June 9, 2016, according to her family. She was 29. Nierman was born Caroline Nierman in May of 1987, and she aspired to use the stage name Saucy Goblin if she ever performed on stage. When she was 14, Nierman fell on a treadmill while paying rapt attention to an episode of ‘Say What Karaoke,’ and her right knee was never the same. 

Nierman attended a university in Scotland for three years. She spent the vast majority of her time in the United Kingdom outside of the classroom, either enjoying a local restaurant’s signature pancakes or sleeping. In 2008, she returned to New York City and took her first administrative job, which barely covered the rent on an unnecessarily expensive studio apartment that she insisted on moving to. While living alone, Nierman managed to rack up an impressive $4,000 of debt by using her credit card to pimp out an Ikea bed, which she loved like a child, and then ignoring the bills. 

While Nierman worked at a number of different companies over the course of her career, her proudest professional moment was when she was accused of locking a disturbed four year old into a room that had no lock on its door while she was working as a summer camp counselor in high school. Nierman could always be counted on to laugh at YouTube videos of people falling down, and she loved nothing more than catching up on The Daily Mail while curled up into the fetal position with earplugs in. 

Despite her shortcomings, Nierman spent her life loving and being loved by her endlessly supportive and hilarious family, who she was so attached to that she insisted on being picked up from 98% of the sleepovers she went on in her lifetime. She also miraculously managed to reel in the very definition of a catch when it came to her adored fiancé, who is now the sole parent of their delicious dog, Jack (Instagram: @JackieTheBean). 

There will be no funeral, as Nierman found funerals to be unbearably depressing. In lieu of gifts, please donate money to every single animal shelter and rescue organization in the world – seriously, all of them – or else Nierman will, in her own words, “haunt your sorry, callous ass until you’re withered and gray.” RIP. 

Phew. Glad that’s over with! Now back to my program.

 

On the most disturbing “Are You Afraid of the Dark” of all time:

IMDB tells me that this episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark,” which is called ‘The Tale of Badge,’ premiered on April 20, 1996. This means two things: 1) that I was only 8 when I saw it for the first time and was resultantly scarred for life, and 2) that some teenager was stoned out of his gourd when HE watched it for the first time and is probably still in a sanatorium somewhere freaking out.

Honestly, I still count ‘The Tale of Badge’ as the second scariest thing I’ve ever seen (“The Sixth Sense” is number 1; I literally trained myself to sleep with my eyes open after watching that fucking movie). I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is about Badge that terrifies me so much. The voice, maybe? The fact that he kidnaps our protagonist’s little brother and takes him back to a cave filled with skeletons? Or maybe it’s that he is an EVIL FOX-LIKE GOBLIN WHO WEARS A HAT MADE OUT OF SKINS AND SPEAKS LIKE YODA. I don’t know.

Perhaps most unsettling is the fact that Badge was apparently played by a guy named Roland Smith, and apparently Roland Smith hasn’t been in anything since he played Badge. Obviously, this leaves room for the possibility that Roland Smith actually turned into Badge and now lives inside a wooden box in some witch’s house. Great.

There is ONE thing about “Are You Afraid of the Dark” that makes every episode a lot less scary: the show was made in French Canada and all the actors have broad French Canadian accents. I’m glad I know this, because if Roland Smith-Badge ever shows up at my door, I’ll just make him a plate of Poutine and then he’ll be so stuffed that he’ll be like, “Take nap for 400 years, Badge wants to. Fuck the Setterwinds.”

The Mighty Boosh’s ‘Crack Fox’ FTW!

I’ve been up all night – haven’t slept a wink. Been working on a paper about Apartheid; total bummer, for real. So what better to do at 6:00 in the morning when I’m on my fifth cup of coffee and only three pages in out of ten than watch an awesome sketch from the brilliant “Mighty Boosh” roughly fifty times in a row? I just love the Crack Fox. He’s so deliciously creepy. Enjoy!

Daily Aggravation 19: Untimely freak-outs about spoilers

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody about something and thought of some awesome old show that you used to watch and that somehow pertained to that discussion so you made a reference to it and then they FREAKED OUT because you just SPOILED THE SHOW for them somehow even though the show ended like six years ago and you BOTH KNOW that they’re never going to watch it anyway? I hate that.

In which Caroline discusses Tonya Harding.

This weekend on TruTV, I saw a commercial for “The Smoking Gun Presents: World’s Dumbest” in which Tonya Harding herself says the following: “My track record may not be great…but it’s NOTHING compared to these guys!”

Wait. What? No. That’s just not true. You, Tonya, helped plan and execute a malicious criminal assault on Nancy Kerrigan that involved a crowbar, a spooky, unexpected attack by a random dude and this memorable/awesome moment in sports history (at the 2:00 mark): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T09XWRkq5M. Then you were banned from ever being an ice skater again, so you became a wrestler. And then a boxer. Or something? And then there was a porno tape? Barf x 20,000, Tonya, because you look like the ugliest Cabbage Patch Kid that they never made because it was too ugly to sell.

Also, apparently this happened (says Wikipedia): On February 12, 1997, Harding claimed that she was abducted at knife-point outside her home by a bushy-haired man who forced her to drive to a rural area, where she rammed her truck into a tree and escaped by running into the woods. Police found no evidence of an abduction. This alleged incident happened on the opening weekend of the 1997 U.S. Figure Skating Championships.[35]

So, to recap: Tonya Harding is batshit crazy. And ugly. And in denial, apparently, because here’s a teaser of an episode of “World’s Dumbest” from www.trutv.com:

The Smoking Gun strives to make the planet safer by exposing the idiotic antics of the world’s dumbest daredevils. Watch twenty dangerous stunts you won’t want to try at home, including a man trying to hang-glide while being towed by a snowmobile and a motorcyclist standing up on his seat, eating a sandwich as he rolls down the road. Not to mention the inline skater who breaks one arm, then gets back on his skates the very next day to attempt a stupid stunt that breaks the other arm.

Sure, eating a sandwich while motorcycling is probably a bad idea (unless it’s ham), and inline skating with a broken arm is a fucking stupid thing to do, but neither of those things involve a crowbar, a spooky, unexpected attack by a random dude, a sex tape OR a made-up abduction at knife-point by an invented “man with bushy hair.” (NB: some of us can’t help our frizz, aight? Sheesh).

Final score? Well, I WOULD have said Everyone that isn’t Tonya Harding: 1. Tonya Harding: 0…but she has a standing gig doing comedy on TV. Cut to my head exploding like a Fembot’s from disbelief.