Stephen King Approves of This Message.

I was out for dinner last night at a sub-par restaurant on the UWS when I noticed something unsettling on the wine menu. The only Pinot Noir that you could order by the glass was called the Pennywise. This concerned me greatly, because, HELLO, Pennywise is the name of the clown from It, and I certainly didn’t need HIM sitting next to me while I ate my Penne Rigate. I actually spent time thinking to myself, “Okay – so if I order the Pennywise, I have to say it once, and then the waitress might repeat me, which would make it twice, and then what if the bus boy says Pennywise a third time when he brings the glass over? For the love of GOD, what then?”

Then I remembered that you have to use a slingshot to fell the maniacal/otherworldly clown in question (retrospectively, that seems like a major plot hole, but whatever). A great thing about NYC is that you can buy anything you want here at any time, including slingshots – so I ordered the Pennywise.

Embarrassing Moments: The Time I Fell Down a Flight of Stairs Dressed Like a Witch

It was Halloween. I was dressed as The Wicked Witch of the East – you know, the one the house fell on or something. (NB: the only reason I was the assed-out, dead witch instead of the pretty, fun one is because I had the ruby red slippers but nothing else.) Anyway, we went out to a packed bar, I was macking it to all sorts of characters, and then, on my way down a flight of stairs and in full view of the entire establishment, my feet slipped out from under me. I proceeded to hit every stair on my ass in what felt like slow motion until I finally reached the floor. Let me tell you, if a house could’ve fallen on me right then, I would’ve taken the option and said sayonara, world.