A Little Chat About Jenny Craig

At the beginning of this summer, while I was down in DC visiting family, my aunt took a photograph of me and all of my cousins standing together. It should’ve been a beautiful shot; we had posed in her garden, the light was mid-afternoon light, and it was the first time we’d all been together as adults.

When I saw the photo on Facebook, though, I gasped audibly. We’ll put it this way: my first thought wasn’t, “Awesome, I totally had that whole ‘John Goodman-meets-Jiminy Glick’ thing going for me that day!” I was totally bummed that I had ruined what could have been a lovely memento by looking like I should’ve been wearing a burlap sack and ringing the village bell.

My aunt had joined Jenny Craig a few weeks earlier, and soon after I saw the photo, I went with her to one of her meetings and to pick up her week’s allotment of food. For those of you who haven’t been blessed with a hearty appetite for pie and/or Lady Television: Jenny Craig is a weight loss program on which you eat ONLY Jenny Craig food (and vegetables) until you’ve reached the halfway point to your goal weight.

At the Jenny center, two different women asked me if I needed help while I was waiting for my aunt. I figured this probably meant that the Eileen Fisher shmata I was wearing was not doing as great a job of concealing my girth as I had previously thought. Then I figured I should probably join Jenny Craig.

So I joined Jenny Craig. And lost all this weight. Just kidding! I paid hundreds of dollars to gain five pounds and get harangued about being fat for a month.


WTF are “The Hunger Games?”

Can someone please explain to me what exactly these “Hunger Games” I’m hearing so much about are? When I think of ‘hunger games,’ the only thing that comes to mind is when I pretend that I’m starving and haven’t eaten in a week right before I chow down on a whole Entenmann’s cake. 

Pork and a Bloody Mary: No one’s favorite meal

Pork and a Bloody Mary: No one's favorite meal

I find it both strange and slightly off-putting that this Dublin restaurant was so unwilling to shell out the money for more words on their advertisement that they’ve printed up hundreds of cards that only say “Pork” and “Bloody Mary.” If that’s the sum total of what they’re offering, then I’m only going if they change the name of the place to Pork ‘n’ Mary.

Daily Aggravation 6: Bad Oysters

It’s really crummy when you go out to a fancy restaurant and you order oysters and they show up and one of them looks a little iffy and too primordial but you eat it anyway and then later you find yourself in bed with a bucket on the floor next to you and the desire to die burning deep in your soul.