I’m passing out…I’m passing out…GONE.

I strongly believe that there is nothing funnier than watching someone pass out and fall down. Maybe it’s because I spend 80% of my life feeling like I’m going to pass out and fall down, and maybe it’s because I have a soul as black and charred as a briquette. Whatever the reason, I enjoy watching people pass out so much that I sometimes watch compilation videos of people fainting on Youtube when I need a laugh.

Knowing this, you can imagine the PURE, UNBRIDLED JOY I felt the first time I watched this video of David Buckner passing on out on The Glenn Beck Show. I’ve watched this video around 500 times by now, and it never gets less funny. My favorite part is ALL OF IT, so watch and enjoy.

Daily Aggravation 15: Waiting in line at Dean & Deluca

Something about waiting in line at Dean & Deluca makes me feel like I’m going to pass out. Out of nowhere, I start to feel lightheaded and panicky and then I lose my hearing and everything starts to turn white. Once it was so bad that I had to thieve a bottle of water off the shelf and spend 10 minutes squatting in the spices aisle to minimize any head trauma that might’ve ensued if I had fainted on the tile floor. I’m puzzled as to why this only happens to me at Dean & Deluca, but I’m pretty sure that it’s because my subconscious finds it disgusting that I am willing to shell out $8 for a couple of pieces of spoiled fish wrapped in old rice.

Daily Aggravation 14: People who don’t understand Starbucks protocol

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I’ve been to a Starbucks in every country I’ve visited except France (‘almost’ being the operative word here). Quite frankly, I find the consistency of the Starbucks experience to be soothing: it’s nice and formulaic, just like my favorite crime serials (to use the parlance of 1932). Seriously, and take my word for it, every Starbucks everywhere is the exact same – if I hadn’t had to speak pidgin Spanish at the Starbucks in Barcelona, I would’ve sworn that I was in America. So what’s with people who still don’t get how the line at Starbucks works? Take this morning, for example, when I was trying to get my Perfect Oatmeal on and some Scandinavian dude with a “David the Gnome” beard and tapered sweatpants was having a REALLY DIFFICULT TIME walking in the direction of an arrow (which I’m pretty sure is an activity that even Neanderthals had mastered). He caused a total commotion and kept pulling out his receipt and exchanging words with the barista and it was super weird and irritating. The message of this story is that the Scandinavian guy at Starbucks this morning was a moron.