This. Video. Is. ABSURD. I’ve never seen such an over-the-top response to a simple foot stomp. Honestly, subway foot stomps happen ALL THE TIME. Part of the fun of taking the subway is finding out how many of your toes aren’t broken at the end of the ride. The only instance in which this might be an appropriate response to the situation at hand would be if this woman had guessed Rumpelstiltskin’s name and he STILL insisted on spiriting away with her baby.
Even though I’m in my mid-twenties now, I still have a strong aversion to people who were known as ‘theater kids’ in high school. Don’t get me wrong – I love creative people, and I have a lot of respect for anyone who can get on stage and perform in front of an audience. There’s a certain kind of creative person, though, that annoys me to no end. You know the type – they always have to be the center of attention, they wear Porkpie hats without any trace of irony or sense of humor, and they enjoy playing improv games at parties. They’re JUST the WORST.
I had an encounter with a theater kid recently in a clothing store. An Etta James song started playing on the radio, and a girl with a Caesar cut, a nose piercing and vaguely orthopedic shoes on started singing along to it like she was auditioning for “A Chorus Line.” I wanted to turn to her and say, “Excuse me, bitch, but you’re making my eardrums bleed with your overly-confident, loud warbling. I don’t see Simon Cowell in the store with us, do you? No, right? Then SHUT your DAMN MOUTH and get the hell out of here! And PS: Linda Hunt called, and she wants her look back.”
Courtney Stodden, the 18-year-old child bride of some old dude who was apparently on Lost or something, has become a fixture on the gossip blogs for her undeniably classy wardrobe of gold lame, 7″ lucite stripper heels, and a chest that Tori Spelling would kill a man for. She claims to be ‘the real deal,’ completely devoid of any surgical enhancement, but on a scale of ‘Normal Human to Amanda Lepore,’ Stoddard comes in at a solid ‘Jackie Stallone.’ Most recently, she attended some event for the King of Thailand (seriously WTF), and here in the above link are some photos of how subdued and subtly chic she looked that night. What I really can’t get over is the fact that her husband (HUSBAND!) is straight up GREY. His pigeon-colored teeth match his ash-colored face, and the overall effect is that he looks like a gargoyle in an ill-fitting satin shirt and Steve Madden platform shoes. Imagine having to get in bed next to that every night! Actually, he probably sleeps in a coffin, so I bet Courtney gets the whole bed to herself. It’s the little things, I guess.
“Oh, I’m Suri Cruise and I have it sooo rough. I hate being as rich as Scrooge McDuck and getting everything I want! These lady high heels hurt my precious little feet! My pet rabbit isn’t photogenic enough! Also, coats are for poor people.”
There’s nothing like witnessing a menacing during your morning commute. I had this pleasure a couple of hours ago on the last car of the 6 train. When I got onto the subway, I noticed that there was a morbidly obese, crazy-eyed man sitting across from me. I didn’t think much of him until he startled me by shouting, “BLOCKA BLOCKA!” loudly and aggressively to no one. ‘Ok,’ I thought. ‘We’ve got a nut in Aisle 2. Duly noted.’ Then, much to my chagrin, he stood up, went over to a random businessman and threateningly got in the guy’s face like he wanted to fight. The businessman promptly fled to the other end of the car like a bat out of hell; I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone scamper so fast. I thought for a moment, decided it would be a shame to get shanked a month before my 25th birthday, and ran to another car as soon as we pulled into the next stop. As a native New Yorker, it takes a lot to freak me out – so congratulations, Nutty McScary Guy, on accomplishing the nearly impossible!
To the woman on the elevator this morning who was talking about getting an operation in which a surgeon would remove her nose from her face and then stick it back on: that is a VERY DISTURBING discussion to have in front of a captive, involuntary audience.
I just saw a child in a carriage wearing Bose noise-cancelling headphones. First of all, if your kid is old enough to be a Bar Mitzvah, he shouldn’t be in a stroller anymore. Secondly, why does he have $300 headphones on? Are you afraid that he’ll be corrupted by the chatter of the plebeians? Sheesh.
This one goes out to the woman I saw holding onto the communal subway pole with her ASS CHEEKS instead of her hands: you do realize we live in a SOCIETY, don’t you?
Slow-moving joggers are weird and bum me out. Honestly, guy, you put on your spandex outfit to stagger down the street more slowly than if you were walking? I don’t want to have to worry that you’re about to drop dead of a heart attack in front of me while I’m trying to enjoy my afternoon jaunt.