It was Halloween. I was dressed as The Wicked Witch of the East – you know, the one the house fell on or something. (NB: the only reason I was the assed-out, dead witch instead of the pretty, fun one is because I had the ruby red slippers but nothing else.) Anyway, we went out to a packed bar, I was macking it to all sorts of characters, and then, on my way down a flight of stairs and in full view of the entire establishment, my feet slipped out from under me. I proceeded to hit every stair on my ass in what felt like slow motion until I finally reached the floor. Let me tell you, if a house could’ve fallen on me right then, I would’ve taken the option and said sayonara, world.
When I was in tenth grade, I became consumed with the idea that I looked sickly all the time. My skin had always been vaguely yellow, like an unripe banana or a gender-neutral nursery, but for some reason, the minute I hit 15 I decided that I looked like Tiny Tim (both the Dickens character and the ukulele-playing weirdo).
What, I wondered, could I do to make myself look healthier? I tried self-tanning; it made me the color of a satsuma. I tried powder blush – that didn’t do much to help. So I began to carry a little jar of incredibly heavily pigmented hot pink cream blush around with me and took to applying it compulsively to both cheeks every hour or so. I was under the impression that I looked banging – that is, until the day our yearbook photos were scheduled to be taken.
I had spent a good twenty minutes in the basement bathroom of my school applying and reapplying my trusty blush until I was satisfied that I looked both fresh and sophisticated. I emerged into the sunlight to have my photo taken, and when one of my classmates saw me, she audibly gasped. “Oh my GOD, are you okay? Your face is, like, NEON!” Just the words you want to hear right before you’re photographed for a yearbook that everyone in your school will have for the rest of their lives.
Retrospectively, she was right. I look back at old photos now and my cheeks are so pink in them that it looks like someone had thrown hydrochloric acid in my face a month earlier. Aren’t you glad that you never have to be a teenager again?