Attention, Woman in Line at Duane Reade:

Hello there, Miss Lady! You know, I can’t really think of a more embarrassing or revolting duo of goods to buy at the drugstore than Monistat and rubbing alcohol. Congratulations on being the 3pm winner of ‘The Grossest Lady in Duane Reade’ Award (and no, you cannot shake my hand)!

Also, there’s a great website called where you can buy all sorts of crazy things without anyone judging the shit out of you like I’m doing right now. You might want to check it out when you’re feeling more up to task.