What is it with people who don’t understand the rules that govern spatial boundaries between strangers? If I’m patiently waiting in line at Dean & Deluca (and hopefully not https://cnierman.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/daily-aggravation-15-waiting-in-line-at-dean-deluca/), then you should be at least six inches away from me at all times. Here’s a tip: if you’re standing so close to someone that you can lecherously smell her hair, you’re standing way too fucking close.
Something about waiting in line at Dean & Deluca makes me feel like I’m going to pass out. Out of nowhere, I start to feel lightheaded and panicky and then I lose my hearing and everything starts to turn white. Once it was so bad that I had to thieve a bottle of water off the shelf and spend 10 minutes squatting in the spices aisle to minimize any head trauma that might’ve ensued if I had fainted on the tile floor. I’m puzzled as to why this only happens to me at Dean & Deluca, but I’m pretty sure that it’s because my subconscious finds it disgusting that I am willing to shell out $8 for a couple of pieces of spoiled fish wrapped in old rice.
I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I’ve been to a Starbucks in every country I’ve visited except France (‘almost’ being the operative word here). Quite frankly, I find the consistency of the Starbucks experience to be soothing: it’s nice and formulaic, just like my favorite crime serials (to use the parlance of 1932). Seriously, and take my word for it, every Starbucks everywhere is the exact same – if I hadn’t had to speak pidgin Spanish at the Starbucks in Barcelona, I would’ve sworn that I was in America. So what’s with people who still don’t get how the line at Starbucks works? Take this morning, for example, when I was trying to get my Perfect Oatmeal on and some Scandinavian dude with a “David the Gnome” beard and tapered sweatpants was having a REALLY DIFFICULT TIME walking in the direction of an arrow (which I’m pretty sure is an activity that even Neanderthals had mastered). He caused a total commotion and kept pulling out his receipt and exchanging words with the barista and it was super weird and irritating. The message of this story is that the Scandinavian guy at Starbucks this morning was a moron.