Now THIS is a Subway Nut I could get DOWN With.

This. Video. Is. ABSURD. I’ve never seen such an over-the-top response to a simple foot stomp. Honestly, subway foot stomps happen ALL THE TIME. Part of the fun of taking the subway is finding out how many of your toes aren’t broken at the end of the ride. The only instance in which this might be an appropriate response to the situation at hand would be if this woman had guessed Rumpelstiltskin’s name and he STILL insisted on spiriting away with her baby.

YOU. BETTER. WORK.

By far the best and most disorienting music video of recent memory (is that bread he just flung around his neck at 0:38?), Ssion’s “My Love Grows in the Dark” pays homage to the most DIVINE club tropes of the late ’80s and ’90s – and it’s a super catchy song, too. Check it out!

So as much as I loathe him, Beiber’s new single is FIRE.

Something about this track’s haunting bird call combined with Justin Bieber’s [actually really fantastic] falsetto performance on it makes me want to record a Kreayshawn-style video in which I lip-synch “Boyfriend” on top of a roof while wearing a purple sequined fitted. I imagine this fits in nicely with Justin Bieber’s evil plan to create an army of his very own clones, starting with the lesbians (http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/).

I’m passing out…I’m passing out…GONE.

I strongly believe that there is nothing funnier than watching someone pass out and fall down. Maybe it’s because I spend 80% of my life feeling like I’m going to pass out and fall down, and maybe it’s because I have a soul as black and charred as a briquette. Whatever the reason, I enjoy watching people pass out so much that I sometimes watch compilation videos of people fainting on Youtube when I need a laugh.

Knowing this, you can imagine the PURE, UNBRIDLED JOY I felt the first time I watched this video of David Buckner passing on out on The Glenn Beck Show. I’ve watched this video around 500 times by now, and it never gets less funny. My favorite part is ALL OF IT, so watch and enjoy.

Happy Spring!

Today is the Vernal Equinox, which means that Winter is finally over! Even though this past Winter was the second warmest in New York City history, that didn’t stop me from eating like a pig for three months and gaining ten pounds. Eek.

This means that today I’m stuck wearing a long skirt and blazer à la Carnie Wilson at 0:49 in the video for “Hold On” (above). Since literally no one watches this video and thinks, “Gee, I’d like to look like Carnie Wilson in her ‘Hold On’ days,” I think it’s time to bust out my Jillian Michaels workout DVD and get cracking.

Happy Spring!

On the most disturbing “Are You Afraid of the Dark” of all time:

IMDB tells me that this episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark,” which is called ‘The Tale of Badge,’ premiered on April 20, 1996. This means two things: 1) that I was only 8 when I saw it for the first time and was resultantly scarred for life, and 2) that some teenager was stoned out of his gourd when HE watched it for the first time and is probably still in a sanatorium somewhere freaking out.

Honestly, I still count ‘The Tale of Badge’ as the second scariest thing I’ve ever seen (“The Sixth Sense” is number 1; I literally trained myself to sleep with my eyes open after watching that fucking movie). I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is about Badge that terrifies me so much. The voice, maybe? The fact that he kidnaps our protagonist’s little brother and takes him back to a cave filled with skeletons? Or maybe it’s that he is an EVIL FOX-LIKE GOBLIN WHO WEARS A HAT MADE OUT OF SKINS AND SPEAKS LIKE YODA. I don’t know.

Perhaps most unsettling is the fact that Badge was apparently played by a guy named Roland Smith, and apparently Roland Smith hasn’t been in anything since he played Badge. Obviously, this leaves room for the possibility that Roland Smith actually turned into Badge and now lives inside a wooden box in some witch’s house. Great.

There is ONE thing about “Are You Afraid of the Dark” that makes every episode a lot less scary: the show was made in French Canada and all the actors have broad French Canadian accents. I’m glad I know this, because if Roland Smith-Badge ever shows up at my door, I’ll just make him a plate of Poutine and then he’ll be so stuffed that he’ll be like, “Take nap for 400 years, Badge wants to. Fuck the Setterwinds.”

The Mighty Boosh’s ‘Crack Fox’ FTW!

I’ve been up all night – haven’t slept a wink. Been working on a paper about Apartheid; total bummer, for real. So what better to do at 6:00 in the morning when I’m on my fifth cup of coffee and only three pages in out of ten than watch an awesome sketch from the brilliant “Mighty Boosh” roughly fifty times in a row? I just love the Crack Fox. He’s so deliciously creepy. Enjoy!