For Valentine’s Day this year, my lovely boyfriend bought me the most beautiful gift from a place called Xocolatti in SoHo. It was a glass apothecary vial filled with golden flakes that tasted like a butter cookie; truly divine, like something a fairy would eat when she got the munchies. I decided to take a photograph of the gift to send to my sister, so I carefully set the vial down on the windowsill of my hotel room (hell yeah, we were staying in a hotel that night) and snapped the shot. Mission accomplished.
My heart fell a few days later when I took another look at the photograph. Hiding out in the lower right corner of the picture is a foot that looks like it belongs to a creature that lives under a bridge and makes you answer a riddle before you can cross. It is the foot of a troll, and it is MINE. Unless I’ve actually begun to transform into Golem, I’m pretty sure that I should still have human feet…so what the hell? Total bummer.
I find it both strange and slightly off-putting that this Dublin restaurant was so unwilling to shell out the money for more words on their advertisement that they’ve printed up hundreds of cards that only say “Pork” and “Bloody Mary.” If that’s the sum total of what they’re offering, then I’m only going if they change the name of the place to Pork ‘n’ Mary.
TMZ.com, that highly-revered bastion of responsible journalism, has posted a video of Kony 2012 creator Jason Russell during this epic San Diego meltdown that we’ve all been hearing so much about. In the video, Russell is as naked as the day is long, screams the word ‘fuck’ a lot and does nude calisthenics on a street corner while people film him.
Apparently, all that exercise and spastic clapping got him worked up, because reports indicate that Russell’s next move was to start chokin’ the chicken in front of everyone and get arrested for it.
I have to admit, I feel bad for the guy. Clearly, all the stress of being suddenly thrust into the public eye set him off – and judging from this video, it seems like he probably wasn’t playing with a full deck of cards in the first place. Can you imagine how awful he must have felt when he finally sobered up in the jail cell and had this inner dialogue with himself?
Jason (thinking): Oh, shit. Where the hell am I?
Jason (thinking: You’re in jail, you stupid fuck.
Jason (thinking): Wait, what?! The last thing I remember was pounding that bottle of Wild Irish Rose after neglecting to take my Abilify for three weeks!
Jason (thinking): Yeah, well, some *major* stuff went down after you blacked out.
Jason (thinking): Stuff? Are you kidding? What kind of stuff?
Jason (thinking): Well, you, uh, you got completely naked. Like, your balls were out, man.
Jason (thinking): NO! No UNDERWEAR?
Jason (thinking): You were as naked as a jaybird, buddy. On the street. With people around you. And also, they were filming the whole thing. And then you masturbated in public and then you got put in jail. I’m sorry, bro.
Jason (thinking): Well, huh! How about that.
You know, I never thought I’d say it, but I actually wish Joseph Kony were here right now to put a bullet through my fucking head.
I brought this home from school when I was four. My mother’s wedding dress is sitting in a Duane Reade bag in the front hall closet, but this got framed. If my child brought this piece of paper home, we would have a psychiatrist appointment booked within a week. Que sera!