It’s always great when the electric eye in a hospital elevator doesn’t work properly and you learn this by watching the doors volley off of an elderly woman with a cane. That really happened.
Category: Daily Aggravations
Daily Aggravation 42: Fat-Induced Steampunk Attire
I’m at that golden weight where nothing fits and I look like a kielbasa in heels when I put on a fancy dress. This is problematic, because I’m going to a family member’s wedding next month (!!!) and I’m obviously going to have to wear a dress to it.
Today, as I grunted and struggled to zip up a hot little number I’d ordered on the internet, I came to the terrible realization that I’m going to have to wear a Victorian mourning outfit to the wedding. Damn you, Caramel Frappucinos! Damn you to hell!
Daily Aggravation 41: Suri Cruise
“Oh, I’m Suri Cruise and I have it sooo rough. I hate being as rich as Scrooge McDuck and getting everything I want! These lady high heels hurt my precious little feet! My pet rabbit isn’t photogenic enough! Also, coats are for poor people.”
Daily Aggravation 40: People with Poor Subway Etiquette
This one goes out to the woman I saw holding onto the communal subway pole with her ASS CHEEKS instead of her hands: you do realize we live in a SOCIETY, don’t you?
Daily Aggravation 39: Slow-Moving Joggers
Slow-moving joggers are weird and bum me out. Honestly, guy, you put on your spandex outfit to stagger down the street more slowly than if you were walking? I don’t want to have to worry that you’re about to drop dead of a heart attack in front of me while I’m trying to enjoy my afternoon jaunt.
Daily Aggravation 38: When you Witness a Missed Connection
It’s a bummer when you realize that the cute guy across the aisle on the subway is not, in fact, making eyes at you, but at the girl you’re sitting next to. It’s even more of a bummer when you realize that she’s making eyes back at him. WTF, guys. We’re not at speed dating. Take it somewhere else before I’m forced to unite you in your pain.
Daily Aggravation 37: A Gross Thing
It’s super gross when you’re mindlessly drinking coffee through a straw and then it occurs to you that you’re suddenly chewing on something. The best way to deal with this situation is to swallow.
Daily Aggravation 36: People Who Laugh Disproportionately Loudly to the Situation at Hand
First of all, if you made the joke, you shouldn’t be laughing at it. Secondly, what’s the point of laughing as loudly as you can? Are you trying to prove to me that the joke was actually funny? Dude, you’re not a bar wench from colonized Australia, and honestly, unless Dave Chappelle is doing a private stand-up show for you in the other room right now, you need to take it down about twenty notches.
Daily Aggravation 35: Getting Caught in the Rain
There’s nothing like getting caught in the rain while wearing a down coat, then realizing on the subway the next morning that you’re the one who stinks like a wet dog.
Daily Aggravation 34: Red Wine Mouth
You know when you drink red wine and you’re having a great time and you feel like hot shit? I love that feeling. What I don’t love is going to the bathroom and realizing that my teeth are purple and I look like something out of the “Thriller” video…and then having to go back to the party.
The Fangs of New York 