Sharp Teeth, Sharper Tongue
People are close to rioting in the streets because Instagram wants to claim ownership of their photographs, and I’m having a hard time getting behind their rage. Seriously, what photos are people posting that warrant this kind of self-entitled ire? All I ever see on that website are pictures of kale salads and ugly feet…
Excuse me, guy on line in front of me at CVS: could you please explain to me why you shaved 99% of your head but left a small patch of hair intact on your crown and then dyed that hair green? Is that your good luck chunk of hair or something? Has a bird shat…
I was super bummed when I realized yesterday that I missed Krampusnacht this year. Now I feel like I have to pour one out for my homie, Krampus, because I didn’t get to party with him on December 5th. BOO. For those of you who don’t know who Krampus is, he’s a fun-loving bitch who…
What’s with people who casually wear Santa hats for the whole month of December? Unless you’re an actual elf who is employed by Santa himself, there is no reason to top off your outfit with a cheap, felt Santa hat, you festive douche. And if you are an actual elf, why the fuck are you…
This is an actual sweater for sale in a store. I don’t really know what the creature woven into the front of it is supposed to be. It looks like a bunch of different weird things, including a flasher, a cockroach, and a cockroach flasher. My boyfriend thinks it looks like an omen in a…
Another guy that I met on OkCupid looked very promising from his online dating profile. It said that he was from Louisiana, he was a graphic designer, and he was tall and wore glasses. I was convinced that this was the guy for me. Then I met him. In real life, he was gangly and…
Read more Damnit, Cupid, So NOT OKAY: The OkCupid Trials, Date 2
I. Cannot. Fucking. Stand. Rihanna. She’s untalented, she’s too pleased with herself, and she’s way too rich for being so untalented and pleased with herself. Also, her forehead is so huge that she looks like one of the aliens in the Twilight Zone episode “To Serve Man,” but nobody talks about this uncanny resemblence, and I find that frustrating. …
Read more Celebrities Who Should Disappear Already, Installation 1: Rihanna
