Somehow, since I’ve started blitzing the city with my Fangs of New York stickers, my hit count has gone DOWN. What’s that about? I’m pretty sure that God doesn’t punish people for shameless self-promotion, or else Lana Del Rey would already be a skeleton.
It’s a bummer when you realize that the cute guy across the aisle on the subway is not, in fact, making eyes at you, but at the girl you’re sitting next to. It’s even more of a bummer when you realize that she’s making eyes back at him. WTF, guys. We’re not at speed dating. Take it somewhere else before I’m forced to unite you in your pain.
Once upon a time, I went to a university in Scotland for three years. I hated it so much that I applied for a transfer to The New School here in NYC after my third year. What I’m ashamed to admit is that my admission portfolio consisted of the basic application plus the following two gems:
1. A piece of ‘art,’ which was an incredibly shitty drawing of a human heart with the different parts labeled after the neighborhoods of Manhattan and the caption, “I left my heart in New York City,”
2. An audio recording of me singing the Glasvegas song “Daddy’s Gone” in a Scottish accent. I attached a note that said, “This is the only thing I learned how to do in Scotland.”
Shock of all shocks – they didn’t take me.
When I was a senior in High School, most of my grade went to the Bahamas for Spring Break. It was awesome; everyone in the city you could possibly want to see or interact with in a tropical locale was there. What wasn’t so awesome was the night that I drank an entire Yard at Senor Frog’s. I sort of remember dancing wildly and feeling great until we got in a cab to go to the next club, a place (ironically) called Cocktails & Dreams. When we arrived, I staggered over to a swinging bench on the beach and threw myself onto it, only to pitch forward face-first into the sand. It occurred to me then, as I lay on the ground in a semi-comatose state, that the night was not going to improve from there.
I finally got up and made my way to the bathroom, which I soon learned was a problematic place to be for two reasons. There was a bathroom attendant stationed by the sinks, which would’ve been fine, except for the fact that the bathroom doors were so short that she could see me as I rested on the dirty, dirty floor in the fetal position.
I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you something I learned that night: there are few things more degrading than hearing other drunk bitches talk about you while you’re basically catatonic and unable to defend yourself. They kept saying things like, “OMG, holy SHIT, do you see that GIRL?? She’s, like, TOTALLY PASSED OUT on the FLOOR! And she’s wearing a DRESS! Do you think she’s OK?! LOLZHAHAHA”), and I could form sentences in my mind, but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. It was like being in hell. Finally, the bathroom attendant summoned some of my friends, and they took me home in a cab while I clutched a cup of water and tried not to die.
Man…those sure were the days.
Nothing makes my heart skip a beat like passing by a couple on the street and hearing that they’re in the middle of a massive argument.
If you have a pig snout instead of a human nose, you probably shouldn’t get your septum pierced unless you’re auditioning for the lead in “Babe: Pig Looking Shitty.”
Watching someone run for the bus and miss it is another one of life’s little pleasures.
It’s super gross when you’re mindlessly drinking coffee through a straw and then it occurs to you that you’re suddenly chewing on something. The best way to deal with this situation is to swallow.
First of all, if you made the joke, you shouldn’t be laughing at it. Secondly, what’s the point of laughing as loudly as you can? Are you trying to prove to me that the joke was actually funny? Dude, you’re not a bar wench from colonized Australia, and honestly, unless Dave Chappelle is doing a private stand-up show for you in the other room right now, you need to take it down about twenty notches.
There’s nothing like getting caught in the rain while wearing a down coat, then realizing on the subway the next morning that you’re the one who stinks like a wet dog.