“Oh, I’m Suri Cruise and I have it sooo rough. I hate being as rich as Scrooge McDuck and getting everything I want! These lady high heels hurt my precious little feet! My pet rabbit isn’t photogenic enough! Also, coats are for poor people.”
There’s nothing like witnessing a menacing during your morning commute. I had this pleasure a couple of hours ago on the last car of the 6 train. When I got onto the subway, I noticed that there was a morbidly obese, crazy-eyed man sitting across from me. I didn’t think much of him until he startled me by shouting, “BLOCKA BLOCKA!” loudly and aggressively to no one. ‘Ok,’ I thought. ‘We’ve got a nut in Aisle 2. Duly noted.’ Then, much to my chagrin, he stood up, went over to a random businessman and threateningly got in the guy’s face like he wanted to fight. The businessman promptly fled to the other end of the car like a bat out of hell; I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone scamper so fast. I thought for a moment, decided it would be a shame to get shanked a month before my 25th birthday, and ran to another car as soon as we pulled into the next stop. As a native New Yorker, it takes a lot to freak me out – so congratulations, Nutty McScary Guy, on accomplishing the nearly impossible!
To the woman on the elevator this morning who was talking about getting an operation in which a surgeon would remove her nose from her face and then stick it back on: that is a VERY DISTURBING discussion to have in front of a captive, involuntary audience.
I just saw a child in a carriage wearing Bose noise-cancelling headphones. First of all, if your kid is old enough to be a Bar Mitzvah, he shouldn’t be in a stroller anymore. Secondly, why does he have $300 headphones on? Are you afraid that he’ll be corrupted by the chatter of the plebeians? Sheesh.
The other day, I saw a gentleman on the street wearing an expensive business suit and Sketchers Tone Up sandals. I think he must’ve lost a golf match to the devil and had to give up LITERALLY ALL OF HIS DIGNITY.
This one goes out to the woman I saw holding onto the communal subway pole with her ASS CHEEKS instead of her hands: you do realize we live in a SOCIETY, don’t you?
Slow-moving joggers are weird and bum me out. Honestly, guy, you put on your spandex outfit to stagger down the street more slowly than if you were walking? I don’t want to have to worry that you’re about to drop dead of a heart attack in front of me while I’m trying to enjoy my afternoon jaunt.
Happy (almost) Passover, brethren! I’ll be celebrating the holiday by arguing about Obama and getting crunk on Manischewitz with my family. L’chaim!
Hey, LADY. Yes, I’m talking to you. I see from your three Kipling suitcases and aqua traveler’s belt that you’re on your way back to Quedlinburg. Well, guess what – you’re still in NYC, and here, it’s NOT OKAY to roll over a stranger’s foot on the subway, make eye contact, and not apologize. You can redeem yourself by never coming back to my city.