“Oh, I’m Suri Cruise and I have it sooo rough. I hate being as rich as Scrooge McDuck and getting everything I want! These lady high heels hurt my precious little feet! My pet rabbit isn’t photogenic enough! Also, coats are for poor people.”
There’s nothing like witnessing a menacing during your morning commute. I had this pleasure a couple of hours ago on the last car of the 6 train. When I got onto the subway, I noticed that there was a morbidly obese, crazy-eyed man sitting across from me. I didn’t think much of him until he startled me by shouting, “BLOCKA BLOCKA!” loudly and aggressively to no one. ‘Ok,’ I thought. ‘We’ve got a nut in Aisle 2. Duly noted.’ Then, much to my chagrin, he stood up, went over to a random businessman and threateningly got in the guy’s face like he wanted to fight. The businessman promptly fled to the other end of the car like a bat out of hell; I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone scamper so fast. I thought for a moment, decided it would be a shame to get shanked a month before my 25th birthday, and ran to another car as soon as we pulled into the next stop. As a native New Yorker, it takes a lot to freak me out – so congratulations, Nutty McScary Guy, on accomplishing the nearly impossible!
To the woman on the elevator this morning who was talking about getting an operation in which a surgeon would remove her nose from her face and then stick it back on: that is a VERY DISTURBING discussion to have in front of a captive, involuntary audience.
I just saw a child in a carriage wearing Bose noise-cancelling headphones. First of all, if your kid is old enough to be a Bar Mitzvah, he shouldn’t be in a stroller anymore. Secondly, why does he have $300 headphones on? Are you afraid that he’ll be corrupted by the chatter of the plebeians? Sheesh.
The other day, I saw a gentleman on the street wearing an expensive business suit and Sketchers Tone Up sandals. I think he must’ve lost a golf match to the devil and had to give up LITERALLY ALL OF HIS DIGNITY.
This one goes out to the woman I saw holding onto the communal subway pole with her ASS CHEEKS instead of her hands: you do realize we live in a SOCIETY, don’t you?