I mean, let me get this straight: God should bless me because I’m a selfish bitch who hoards coin like Scrooge McDuck? Well, ok. Works for me.
Seriously, ladies, if you have what looks like a caterpillar on your upper lip, you have to wax that shit the fuck off. Bleaching it does nothing but make you look like a gross, furry version of a ‘Got Milk’ ad/The Monopoly Guy. Get your act together.
This guy absolutely kills it every time. His skills on that piece of equipment are nothing short of astounding – now all we need to do is get rid of the basket-weaved fedora and it’s STRAIGHT TO THE TOP, BABY, STRAIGHT TO THE TOP!
Can someone please explain to me what exactly these “Hunger Games” I’m hearing so much about are? When I think of ‘hunger games,’ the only thing that comes to mind is when I pretend that I’m starving and haven’t eaten in a week right before I chow down on a whole Entenmann’s cake.
9 Magic Words You Must Say to Make Him Fall Deeply in Love? Well, ok:
A) “I have daddy issues; resultantly, I’m a sexual deviant.”
B) “Watching you watch sports totally turns me on, babe.”
C) “Nothing relaxes me more than making you a sandwich.”
D) “You should never be forced to wear real pants.”
E) “I get bored when it lasts too long, anyway.”
Since this is a Christian website, though, let’s go with:
F) “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, darling.”
I get it, Sir. You’re vain, you’re compulsive about staying in shape, and you fancy yourself a regula’ Adonis (said with the best possible ‘Frenchie’ accent from Grease). Here’s what you don’t get: ladies aren’t huge fans of nuts in the first place, so watching you run around the streets of New York with yours squeezed into a spandex pair of lime green short shorts is definitely not the aphrodisiac you seem to think it is.
There’s nothing like watching someone stubbornly refuse to hold on to anything during his subway commute downtown and then crash into a human stranger when the train stops short.
What is it with people who don’t understand the rules that govern spatial boundaries between strangers? If I’m patiently waiting in line at Dean & Deluca (and hopefully not https://cnierman.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/daily-aggravation-15-waiting-in-line-at-dean-deluca/), then you should be at least six inches away from me at all times. Here’s a tip: if you’re standing so close to someone that you can lecherously smell her hair, you’re standing way too fucking close.
By far the best and most disorienting music video of recent memory (is that bread he just flung around his neck at 0:38?), Ssion’s “My Love Grows in the Dark” pays homage to the most DIVINE club tropes of the late ’80s and ’90s – and it’s a super catchy song, too. Check it out!
Something about this track’s haunting bird call combined with Justin Bieber’s [actually really fantastic] falsetto performance on it makes me want to record a Kreayshawn-style video in which I lip-synch “Boyfriend” on top of a roof while wearing a purple sequined fitted. I imagine this fits in nicely with Justin Bieber’s evil plan to create an army of his very own clones, starting with the lesbians (http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/).