Daily Aggravation 29: When Women Bleach their Mustaches Instead of Waxing Them

Seriously, ladies, if you have what looks like a caterpillar on your upper lip, you have to wax that shit the fuck off. Bleaching it does nothing but make you look like a gross, furry version of a ‘Got Milk’ ad/The Monopoly Guy. Get your act together.

WTF are “The Hunger Games?”

Can someone please explain to me what exactly these “Hunger Games” I’m hearing so much about are? When I think of ‘hunger games,’ the only thing that comes to mind is when I pretend that I’m starving and haven’t eaten in a week right before I chow down on a whole Entenmann’s cake. 

Make Him Addicted to You

Make Him Addicted to You9 Magic Words You Must Say to Make Him Fall Deeply in Love? Well, ok:

A) “I have daddy issues; resultantly, I’m a sexual deviant.”
B) “Watching you watch sports totally turns me on, babe.”
C) “Nothing relaxes me more than making you a sandwich.”
D) “You should never be forced to wear real pants.”
E) “I get bored when it lasts too long, anyway.”

Since this is a Christian website, though, let’s go with:

F) “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, darling.”

Daily Aggravation 28: Men who jog in short-shorts

I get it, Sir. You’re vain, you’re compulsive about staying in shape, and you fancy yourself a regula’ Adonis (said with the best possible ‘Frenchie’ accent from Grease). Here’s what you don’t get: ladies aren’t huge fans of nuts in the first place, so watching you run around the streets of New York with yours squeezed into a spandex pair of lime green short shorts is definitely not the aphrodisiac you seem to think it is.

Daily Aggravation 27: When people stand too close to you in line

What is it with people who don’t understand the rules that govern spatial boundaries between strangers? If I’m patiently waiting in line at Dean & Deluca (and hopefully not https://cnierman.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/daily-aggravation-15-waiting-in-line-at-dean-deluca/), then you should be at least six inches away from me at all times. Here’s a tip: if you’re standing so close to someone that you can lecherously smell her hair, you’re standing way too fucking close.

YOU. BETTER. WORK.

By far the best and most disorienting music video of recent memory (is that bread he just flung around his neck at 0:38?), Ssion’s “My Love Grows in the Dark” pays homage to the most DIVINE club tropes of the late ’80s and ’90s – and it’s a super catchy song, too. Check it out!

So as much as I loathe him, Beiber’s new single is FIRE.

Something about this track’s haunting bird call combined with Justin Bieber’s [actually really fantastic] falsetto performance on it makes me want to record a Kreayshawn-style video in which I lip-synch “Boyfriend” on top of a roof while wearing a purple sequined fitted. I imagine this fits in nicely with Justin Bieber’s evil plan to create an army of his very own clones, starting with the lesbians (http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/).