If you tell me that you ‘do weed,’ then you are clearly demonstrating that you’re one of those annoying bitches who takes two hits and then freaks out and starts screaming about how you’re slipping into another dimension and you’re never going to be able to make it back. If only that were true, sister –…
"I guess it's raining; people have their umbrellas out."
It’s always a total bummer when you leave your apartment and you’re all, “Damn, I look awesome today, bring on the catcalls,” and then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window while you’re out and you’re all, “Oh, shit, I actually look like John Goodman in this outfit.”
I mean, let me get this straight: God should bless me because I’m a selfish bitch who hoards coin like Scrooge McDuck? Well, ok. Works for me.
Seriously, ladies, if you have what looks like a caterpillar on your upper lip, you have to wax that shit the fuck off. Bleaching it does nothing but make you look like a gross, furry version of a ‘Got Milk’ ad/The Monopoly Guy. Get your act together.
Can someone please explain to me what exactly these “Hunger Games” I’m hearing so much about are? When I think of ‘hunger games,’ the only thing that comes to mind is when I pretend that I’m starving and haven’t eaten in a week right before I chow down on a whole Entenmann’s cake.