It’s really crummy when you go out to a fancy restaurant and you order oysters and they show up and one of them looks a little iffy and too primordial but you eat it anyway and then later you find yourself in bed with a bucket on the floor next to you and the desire to die burning deep in your soul.
There’s a man who stands on the street outside of my apartment and plays the recorder for money. That’s right – the recorder. He literally plays “Hot Cross Buns” 100 times a day, which annoys me for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that I could TOTALLY DO THAT if I had less shame/dignity left to lose.
If you’re on an escalator, it’s generally customary to, like, move out of the way when you’ve gotten to the top, isn’t it? Am I missing something? More importantly, is it acceptable for me to kick the next person who doesn’t do this in the back of the knees and then run like hell?
Loud eaters positively slay me (and I mean that in a Ted Bundy kind of way). If you’re a loud eater, please, for the LOVE OF GOD, wait until you’re home in your studio apartment with your nasty cat and your yoga DVDs to eat your gluten-free trail mix.
Hey, guy who worked at Sephora and wouldn’t stop touching my thigh/hovering over me like a dementor while I was having my face done: your public commitment of frottage is STILL giving me an uh-oh feeling.
As a neurotic Jew, I am annoyed by most people, places and things. I started writing a series called “Daily Aggravations” that lived on their own website, but I am going to start featuring each aggravation here from now on – so now, without further ado: daily aggravation NUMBER 1.
Daily Aggravation 1: Table Monopolizers
To the semi-bald lady in Blade-style sunglasses who monopolizes the same table at Starbucks for eight hours every day and only gets a cup of water to drink: I want to punch you in the mouthpiece, for real. And then maybe flip a table for dramatic effect.
For the approval of the Midnight Society, I now submit to you: The Story of the Evil Organ. A masterpiece, if I do say so myself.