This morning, I was gifted with a free sample of 5 Hour Energy by some lady on the street. As I opened the bottle, I heard my mother’s voice in my head saying, “Now how do you know that the girl didn’t put something in the bottles? There could be poison in them, Caroline. Poison! And didn’t I teach you not to accept food from strangers like 23 years ago?” I drank it anyway.
First of all, 5 Hour Energy tastes like gutter water and rotten strawberries. It burns going down and it made me gag thrice. Secondly, it didn’t do a damn thing for my fatigue. Thirdly, I now feel vaguely unwell and am concerned that there WAS, actually, something toxic and poisonous in the bottle and I only have a couple of hours left on this mortal earth. This means two things: 1) 5 Hour Energy is a pointless scam and 2) I’m officially turning into my mother.