Teenagers are the biggest bummers in the world, aside from terrorists and Dr. Ruth. They’re sullen, they’re abrasive and they think they’re cooler than everybody. Wait, what’s that, teenaged girl? You spent $13 on a pack of cigarettes that you’re not even inhaling just so you could look like a badass? You’re an idiot. And oh, hey, teenaged boy, I’m really impressed that you can curse, since that means you’re physically capable of making your mouth say words! Also, congratulations, all of you, on your skill at swarming onto a subway car like a pack of water rats and then bullying each other loudly enough to make my eardrums bleed. I think all teenagers should be sequestered away in a colony named “Weenieland” (copyright Michael Jackson? Too soon?) until they’re old enough to either get knocked up or go be some college dean’s problem instead of mine.