It was Halloween. I was dressed as The Wicked Witch of the East – you know, the one the house fell on or something. (NB: the only reason I was the assed-out, dead witch instead of the pretty, fun one is because I had the ruby red slippers but nothing else.) Anyway, we went out to a packed bar, I was macking it to all sorts of characters, and then, on my way down a flight of stairs and in full view of the entire establishment, my feet slipped out from under me. I proceeded to hit every stair on my ass in what felt like slow motion until I finally reached the floor. Let me tell you, if a house could’ve fallen on me right then, I would’ve taken the option and said sayonara, world.
When I was 8 years old, I became obsessed with going to sleepaway camp. I don’t know what the hell was so miserable about being nice, safe and loved at home, but I became insistent on going away to camp as soon as 3rd grade was over.
We looked at a bunch of camps, but finally settled on one all the way up in Maine. The campers, said the place’s promotional video, slept in rustic canvas tents. There were arts and crafts, a scenic lake for us to sail on, and sometimes the whole camp would go blueberry picking together. Since everyone they taped was having THE BEST SUMMER OF HER LIFE, my mother decided that I would go there. For 8 weeks. The month after I turned 9. Regardless of the fact that I’d insisted on being picked up from every sleepover I’d ever been on to date.
And so, that June, we packed up all of the UNIFORMS that we’d had to buy (UNIFORMS!), wrote my name on a shit ton of socks, and got ready for my departure. Of course, around two weeks before I left, it finally kicked in that I was about to be away from my parents and baby sister for mad long and I became inconsolable. I can remember crying so hard that I was silent as the bus pulled away from the kerb that first day and my family waved goodbye to me. Even then, as I sat weeping into my pillow, I knew that nothing good was waiting for me in Maine.
First of all, I was in a different bunk than the friend I’d gone to camp with, so I was totally screwed on the social front. Clearly, nobody wants to befriend the miserable twit who won’t stop running to the bathroom cabin (!!!) to cry hysterically and write nutty letters home, so I was pretty much on my own for 8 whole weeks. Add to this the fact that we weren’t allowed to call home even ONCE, and also the fact that I had a borderline abusive English counselor who would scream at me to clean the tent while I lay on my cot and sobbed, and you’re starting to get an idea for how this summer played out. I have a vivid memory of finding a bright orange slug on one of our many camping trips (oh, the indignity) and bringing it back to campus because it was the best friend I’d made in five weeks. I was not having a good time.
Then Hurricane Bertha hit. Those charming, rustic, canvas tents we slept in? Turns out they shrunk in hurricanes. I guess it got pretty dangerous at one point, because the whole camp had to be ushered into the Theater Cabin, where some moron read us “The Velveteen Rabbit” while we waited for the storm to subside. Here’s a note to anyone who owns a camp: there are literally A MILLION better stories to read a bunch of terrified children than one about a depressive rabbit who almost gets burned in a fire when his sickly owner stops loving/forgets about him. Who thought that was a good idea? Seriously, people. This is what I was dealing with.
I still count the day that I left that godforsaken place as one of the happiest days of my life. I have a vague recollection of wetting my bed for the first – and only – time in my life the night before we left and thinking to myself, “I’m glad that someone is going to have to deal with this,” instead of “ZOMG I just wet the bed and I’m kind of old and this is sort of embarrassing and gross.”
Here’s the message of the story: if you send a child who already has separation anxiety to semi-boot camp when she’s 9, she will still live at home when she is 24.
I really love it when I’m comfortably seated inside a moving cab and I see someone with an anguished look on her face trying desperately to hail a cab.
You know when you drink red wine and you’re having a great time and you feel like hot shit? I love that feeling. What I don’t love is going to the bathroom and realizing that my teeth are purple and I look like something out of the “Thriller” video…and then having to go back to the party.
My business cards arrived today. They’re gold and black with my web address written at the bottom in red foil and they’re beautiful except for one thing: you need an industrial magnifying glass to read my number and e-mail address. I think it’s size 6 font, seriously. My first thought upon seeing them: ‘WHAT IS THIS, a business card for ANTS?’
If you tell me that you ‘do weed,’ then you are clearly demonstrating that you’re one of those annoying bitches who takes two hits and then freaks out and starts screaming about how you’re slipping into another dimension and you’re never going to be able to make it back. If only that were true, sister – if only that were true.
“I guess it’s raining; people have their umbrellas out.”
– Oblivious dingbat of a woman who was literally standing outside in the pouring rain when she said this to her husband
It’s always a total bummer when you leave your apartment and you’re all, “Damn, I look awesome today, bring on the catcalls,” and then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window while you’re out and you’re all, “Oh, shit, I actually look like John Goodman in this outfit.”