In which Caroline diagnoses a nut on OkCupid by doing a textual analysis of his profile.

I just stumbled upon an OkCupid profile that consists of one photograph of a male torso, taken with an iPhone, and this self-summary:

Every rumor begins with a grain of truth.
Behind closed and guarded doors.
Young, beautiful, free.
Like a handful of new gods.
Fantasies do come true.
Discretion is the only rule.

Whaaaaat? Here’s my analysis of this profile, line by line.

Every rumor begins with a grain of truth. I am paranoid. Additionally, the rumors you’ve heard about me being a sexual deviant are true.

Behind closed and guarded doors. Again, I’m a deviant. I also think in sentence fragments and am diagnosably mentally ill.

Young, beautiful, free. I’m in my twenties, enjoy the sight of my own nude body, and – contrary to the other rumor you’ve heard about me (which, admittedly, began with a grain of truth) – I’m not a slave. I just wear a dog collar and shackles because I look great in them.

Like a handful of new gods. Haha. Hahahaha. I’m not even going to touch this line…it’s too good already.

Fantasies do come true. Except for my ultimate fantasy, in which I am capable of having sex with myself and do – a lot. Like, constantly.

Discretion is the only rule. I’m going to want to do some weird shit that will probably make you go home and scrub your skin compulsively with bleach in a desperate attempt to wash the shame away.  

What do we think, gang? Do I message him? I *have* always wanted to date someone who has Narcissistic personality disorder…

In which Caroline discusses Russian e-mail order brides

I recently signed up for Skype Mobile. For all three of you who haven’t heard of Skype, it’s a program you can download online that allows you to call other Skype members for free, both domestically and internationally, and Skype Mobile is an application for smartphones that allows you to use your phone to make free Skype calls. It’s pretty dope.

Aside from the whole ‘free international calling’ thing, I like Skype Mobile because it allowed me to receive the following message from a certain “dreamsy002” right to my phone at 9:22 PM:

European and American women are too arrogant for you? Are you looking for a sweet lady that will be caring and understanding? Then you came to the right place – here you can find a Russian lady that will love you with all her heart. Can’t find a queen to rule your heart? How about beautiful Russian ladies that have royal blood and royal look? Here you can find hundreds of portfolios of these fine women of any age for every taste. Please excuse us if you are not interested. Beautiful Russian ladies – http://freerussianladydating.com

Royal blood and royal look (singular)? Sold. So I went to the website to find out what, exactly, “free russian lady dating” consists of.

Here are two of the girls that are listed under the ‘dating’ section of the site:

1. “Hard Candy,” a student, born September 14th, 1985. Hard Candy is 5’4” and 115 lbs and speaks ‘pre-Intermediate’ English. (NB: I would assume that ‘pre-intermediate English’ means ‘pidgin English,’  because that’s pretty much the level that comes before ‘intermediate,’ but like my father always says: when you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.)

Hard Candy writes: “I believe in destiny and in true love. I’m dreaming to find it and to be happy with my beloved man. I’m a romantic girl, sensitive and sincere. I like spending my free time on the nature communicating with friends, like to go to the cinema and theatre.
Age range 26-57.”

Yeah, okay, if ‘dreaming to find true love’ means ‘dreaming to meet a rich weirdo who likes nubile Russian girls on the internet.’ I’m curious, Hard Candy: what do you mean you spend your free time ‘on the nature communicating with friends?’ Does that mean you ride around on the back of a flea-bitten wild dog, paying social calls to your mail-order-bride pals? Or were you just tripping balls when you dictated that? Futhermore, that’s a pretty big age range you’ve got there. Trust me: you do NOT want to be marrying any 57-year-old American man who bought you on the interwebz. There’s your first piece of homegrown American wisdom, girlfriend. I hope you take it to heart.

2. Olelove, a maternity hospital nurse, born November 1st, 1987. Olelove is 5’5” and 110 lbs and also speaks “pre-intermediate” English. She writes: “I’m a calm, balanced, not-spoiled person who is waiting for a special one to open my inner world to. I collect romantic music, go dancing and to the gym, enjoy modeling as a hobby.”

Does ‘inner world’ mean ‘legs’ here? It totally means legs. In Olelove’s defense, what guy doesn’t want a non-English-speaking girlfriend who collects muzak? There’s nothing like listening to the dulcet tones of the stranger you’ve just married singing along to a Brian McKnight song in her thick Eastern European accent. Seriously, I’m not kidding. There’s nothing like it.

Do you think people actually follow through with this? The homepage of freerussianladydating.com says:

“A great many websites on the Internet are dedicated to russian women marriage. However the number of these sites only makes it more difficult to find a real Russian wife. If this is not your first experience of dating russian women online or dating online at all, then you probably know that there are plenty of scams. You may read about them and – avoid them. I know a couple of sad stories about guys who have been disillusioned in any kind of online dating. Don’t become one of them. Believe me, a lot of beautiful lonely women are really trying to find their second half on the Internet. You do have a wonderful opportunity to find your beloved and have a happy life where there will be no place for loneliness.”

This is such a depressing sell. The whole thing is depressing. I can’t even write about it anymore.

In closing: can someone please buy me a mail-order bride for my birthday? I’m getting really sick of listening to Babyface while I ride around on my swan alone.

VERY TROUBLESOME UPDATE: FREERUSSIANLADYDATING.COM HAS DISAPPEARED! I’m really upset. REALLY UPSET. I hope that doesn’t mean my order is cancelled!!!! Why did this happen? WHY?